The Love We Had
by CateandBaze4evr
Summary: Lily hates James Potter, or so she leads everyone to believe. But they have a history, and matters of the heart have a way of not disappearing so easily. Will James and Lily be able to overcome the past in order to have a future?
1. Prologue

**Prologue **

Lily Evans had a legitimate reason for despising James Potter. Most people thought it was for some stupid reason, because of a prank or something of that ilk. But the truth was, Lily Evans hated James Potter because she loved him, because she couldn't stop loving him. No matter what she did, she couldn't get him out of her head, and that made her furious.

Every day she was forced to put on a mask and hide how she felt. She had to keep secret that every single bloody time she looked at James she remembered; the feel of her small hand wrapped in his larger, warm one, the sound of his laugh and the gentle rumble of his chest under her hand or head when he chuckled, and especially her first kiss. Oh bloody hell did she remember that with alarming clarity. It had been his first kiss too, and it had been silly and sloppy and a bit awkward, but it had been absolutely perfect. She remembered all the kisses they had shared afterwards, and the feel of her hands in his constantly messy hair, and the sounds of his voice when he had whispered that he loved her, thinking she had been asleep and unable to hear him. Merlin, did she remember.

And she hated him, because she couldn't forget, because she wanted it back, and because she knew she couldn't have it. Ever again.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Lily heaved her trunk onto the top rack of the empty compartment she had found on the second car of the train. With a sigh, she sank down onto the seat and massaged her temples. Oh, she was tired. Petunia had been particularly fussy the night before, upset that their parents' attention was focused on helping Lily prepare to return to Hogwarts for the last time rather than on her wedding planning (which had been the focus for the _entire_ summer, mind you). They had gotten into a row, and Lily had been restless and anxious to go back to school. She hated fighting with Petunia, she really did, but she didn't know how to fix their relationship. At this point, it was a waste of energy to even try.

"Lily!" a familiar voice cried joyously, breaking Lily out of her reverie.

Lily glanced up and grinned at the sight standing before her. Alice Prewitt and Marlene McKinnon, her two best friends, were attempting to squeeze into the compartment at the same time as one another _and_ both of their trunks. She laughed, pushing thoughts of her ongoing battle with her sister to the back of her head. It was hard to be upset with Alice and Marlene around.

"Alice! Marls! I've missed you guys so much." Lily grinned, grabbing on of the trunks that was stuck in the compartment doorway and yanking it into the small space. The other followed easily, as did the two girls.

"Yeah, we could really tell, what with all the letters we got over summer. " Marlene said, looking at Lily pointedly.

Lily winced. "Sorry. It was a crazy summer. Petunia's boyfriend, er, finance, I guess he is now, was always around. Petunia warned me that if I scared him away with any 'freak' stuff that she'd kill me."

Marlene scoffed. "The walrus? She's really going to marry that prat?"

Lily nodded. "I know. But I guess if he makes her happy it can't be too bad."

"Everyone deserves to be happy." Alice added brightly. She was always the romantic one. Lily snorted. It was a nice notion, but she knew that it didn't always work out that way. She had experience on that front. She had been happy, so blindly, blissfully happy in love, and look at her now…

She shook her head. She didn't want to ruin her reunion with her two best friends by letting something that happened two years ago upset her.

"Anyway, how was your summer?" Lily asked, looking from Marlene to Alice.

"It was brilliant! We spent a lot of time in Spain. And let me tell you Lily, those Spanish boys will kick start your pulse quicker than a bogart jumping out of a broom cupboard at you." Marlene grinned, pretending to fan herself with her hand.

"They were so dreamy. I really wish you could have come with us Lily." Alice said.

"I wish I could've been there too. Anything would've been better than being forced to help Petunia plan her wedding to the walrus. She didn't even want me there, but mum insisted."

"You're coming with us next summer. You have no say in the matter." Marlene grinned.

Lily laughed. "Like I would refuse."

The train kicked into gear then and Lily glanced at the tiny watch that she always wore. It was one of the only things she had kept from fifth year, one of the only gifts from _him_ that she would still wear. No matter how many times she had tried to get rid of it, she just couldn't bring herself to take it off.

"Damn, I need to go." Lily groaned.

Alice and Marlene looked at her quizzically. "The train just left the station Lily. Where could you possibly have to go?"

Lily grinned. "Right, I forgot to mention, Dumbledore appointed me as Head Girl this year."

Both girls squealed and jumped to hug Lily.

"Oh congratulations! I knew you'd get it Lils!"

"Why didn't you tell us sooner? You arse?"

Lily laughed and hugged them back.

"I wanted to catch up with you for a bit first, but I forgot that both the Heads and all the Prefects have to meet in the first compartment when the train takes off. I've got to go, but I'll be back later and you can tell me all about the Spanish boys." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

They all laughed. "Oh, we will. You'll get all the juicy details."

"Good luck with your first duty as Head Girl, Lily. You'll do brilliantly, as always." Alice said, pushing Lily out of the compartment.

She rolled her eyes and began making her way to the first compartment, reaching into the pocket of her robes and pinning her Head Girl badge over her heart as she weaved through the crowd of excited first and second years in the aisle.

Busying pinning her badge to her robes, Lily didn't look where she was going and she slammed into something. Hard. The force knocked her backwards a few steps but she was able to catch herself before she fell on her arse and embarrassed herself even more.

"Ow." She groaned, rubbing her chin as she looked up, straight into a pair of all-too-familiar hazel eyes. Turns out that something was a some_one. _A someone that she had really hoped to avoid this year. Potter.

"Watch where you're going, would you?" she bit out, shifting her gaze so that she was staring directly past his ear rather than into his eyes. She couldn't take looking into his eyes. Not anymore.

"Actually, you're the one that wasn't watching where you were going. I was simply trying to get somewhere I'm supposed to be and you rammed into me." James Potter stated matter-of-factly.

Lily gritted her teeth. "Just stay out of my way Potter."

From the corner of her eye, Lily could see him flinch at the use of his last name. Really, he should be used to it by now. She had called him by his surname all last year as well.

"Don't know how easy that'll be, seeing as how we're Head Boy and Girl."

Lily's head snapped up, her eyes narrowing. "You? Dumbledore made you, of all people, Head Boy?"

James simply nodded.

Lily took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She would _not_ let him see how this affected her. Instead, she shoved past him, ignoring the electric jolt she felt in every place their bodies touched.

It was going to be a long year.

_**A/N: Well, there is the first official chapter! What did you think? **_


	3. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Hello lovely readers! Here's Chapter Two for you! Just a little information for all of you, last chapter took place in 7th year, as did the prologue. From here on out, I will alternate chapters between 5th year and 7th year in order for you to get the history of James/Lily as well as the current story(7th year). **_

_**Each chapter that takes place in fifth year will be labeled in the beginning. Chapters taking place in seventh year will just begin normally. **_

_**Now, enjoy reading! **_

**Chapter 2**

**Fifth Year**

Lily collapsed back onto her bed, a huge smile gracing her face. She had just been asked out. James Potter had asked her out, and she had said yes. For four years, Lily had seen James as one giant toe-rag who wouldn't leave her alone. He had been idiotic and immature, and thought that the best way to get her to go out with him was to try and force her into it—having his friends shove them into broom cupboards until she said yes (or threatened to hex him into next week), stealing her books, and anything other annoying thing you could imagine a fourteen year old boy would attempt.

But this year was different. James was different. He had grown over the summer, and now stood at nearly six feet, a least a head taller than Lily. His body was slim and incredibly fit due to all the Quidditch practice. He looked more like a man than a boy, though his hair was still as wild as ever. It looked windblown, as if he had just gone flying even when he hadn't. And it wasn't only his looks that had changed. James Potter had matured. Where before he had been obnoxious, loud, and sometimes overbearing, now he thought before acting. He had even stopped hexing the first and second years just because he was bored.

Lily grinned again as she thought about the way he had asked her out. She had been sitting in one of the armchairs by the fire in the Common Room, working on her first assignment for Charms, when he walked up to her and sat down in the chair beside her. She glanced up at him, raising an eyebrow as she did so.

"Erm, hi there Lily." James said, sounding a little nervous.

"Hello James." She replied, curious. James Potter was never nervous.

"How was your summer?"

"It was fine." Lily said slowly, watching him as he swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. He _was _nervous. "Is there something you need?"

"Well," he started, glancing down as if to steel himself for how she would react to his words. The he looked up, directly into her eyes with his own hazel ones, and the corner of his mouth pulled up in a quasi-smile. "Look, Lily, I really like you. I've liked you since I first saw you, and I know I've been an insufferable prick these past couple years, but I've really changed, and I want a chance to show you that. I want to take you out and prove to you that I'm not the stupid kid I was before. So will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" he finished in a rush.

Lily smiled, then bit her lip. He really was awfully cute, and he had seemed to have matured.

"Sure James," Lily said, laughing as James's face lit up with a smile. "I'd love to go to Hogsmeade with you."

James jumped up. "Yes! I've got to go tell the Marauders."

Lily grinned, shaking her head as she returned her attention to her homework.

"Oh, and Lily," James said, startling her. She thought he had left already. "Thank you. You won't regret it."

"We'll see about that after the date." She smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear as she looked up at him.

He grinned down at her, his eyes burning into hers, causing a blush to heat her cheeks.

"See you around Lily." He said softly, and then he was off, sprinting up the staircase to the boys' dormitory to tell his mates.

Unable to concentrate, Lily had headed up to her own dormitory, which was where she was now, smiling giddily up and her ceiling from her bed and thinking about what her date with James Potter would be like.

_**A/N: There it is, you lovelies. I love writing James and Lily fluff, so you'll probably see a lot more throughout this story. **_

_**Let me know what you think-what you like/dislike so far, what you want to see, etc. **_

_**You know where the review button is ;)**_


	4. Chapter 3

_**A/N: And we're back to 7th year! What did you guys think about the whole Lily/James bit last chapter? I've decided to keep up with the alternating chapters, so it will continuously flip between 5th and 7th years. That way you'll get to see their relationship develop, and the prologue will make so much more sense! **_

_**Now, I'll stop rambling and let you get to reading. Enjoy! xo**_

**Chapter 3**

"I cannot believe this is happening! How could Dumbledore do this?" Lily growled through gritted teeth. She really wanted to scream, but she didn't want the other students to hear the Head Girl losing her head. She was supposed to set an example, after all. "Merlin! Why would he appoint the most irresponsible, bloody idiot in the entire school as Head Boy?"

Marlene and Alice exchanged a look, but Lily was too busy with her rant to notice them.

"Um, Lily? What are you talking about? Who's Head Boy?" Marlene asked when Lily paused to breathe.

"James stupid bloody Potter! That's who!" Lily said, her voice growing louder with each word.

"Oh Lils," Alice said sympathetically.

Lily threw herself onto the bench seat and put her head in her hands. Alice and Marlene flanked her, wrapping their arms around her back and leaning their heads on her shoulder. She had never told them—or anybody else, for that matter—what had transpired between her and James over the summer between fifth and sixth year. She had simply told them that her relationship with James Potter was over, never to be mentioned again, and that she really couldn't stand having anything to do with him.

Lily let out a shaky breath, trying not to cry. It was just so damn _hard_, seeing him again. It killed her, it really did. They worst part was that she had no one to talk to about it. After a year of claiming to despise James, of calling him ridiculous names and being intentionally cruel, she couldn't just change her mind and ask Marlene and Alice to help her nurse her heartbreak. Plus, she needed everyone to believe that she hated James. That was the whole point of everything. It was what she needed to do.

"I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. I don't think I can be around that much idiocy for more than an hour at a time. There's no way I can manage sharing a dormitory with him." Lily mumbled.

"Share a dormitory?" Marlene questioned, lifting her head off of Lily's shoulder to look down at Lily's face.

"Didn't you know? There is a special dormitory for Heads. It has its own entrance, Common Room, everything." Lily replied glumly. She had been rather looking forward to having an entire living area that she only had to share with one other person. She had imagined having Marlene and Alice over to get away from all the younger students and the annoying antics of the Marauders—James, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Their little group had grown especially apt at pulling pranks over the years, and it was rare for them to get caught.

But now she was faced with having to share a dorm with James. Could she handle that? Sharing a private dorm with him meant that they would probably be there—just the two of them, alone—quite often. They would live, sleep, and shower in a dangerously close proximity to each other. Lily wasn't sure if her heart could handle that. It was still hard for her to look at him without feeling a deep, aching pressure in her chest.

"Lily," Alice said quietly, "are you sure you aren't upset for another reason? Is it really about James being Head Boy?"

Lily's eyes narrowed as she looked at Alice. "What else would it be about?"

Alice sighed. "Lily, c'mon. We're your best friends. Like it or not, we actually do know you."

"What are you saying, Alice?"

"Well, you never did tell us what happened between you and James. I mean, you were both so happy when you left for summer hols. You were even going to stay with him for a couple weeks! And then you come back to school, talking about how much you hate him, and he's miserable but trying to cover it up with pranking and slacking off…" she trailed off and shook her head. "But you being this upset over something like James being appointed Head Boy doesn't make much sense."

"You want to know what happened between Potter and I? Fine. We didn't work out. We didn't want the same things. I woke up and I realized that I didn't want to be involved with somebody who didn't take anything seriously. We're in the middle of a _war_, for Merlin's sake. I want the people I care about to take that seriously. And James didn't agree with my point of view. We had a messy break up and I realized what a prick he actually is. That is what happened between James and me. Happy now?"

Alice and Marlene stared at Lily with wide eyes. Lily dropped her head back into her hands, biting her lip to keep the tears from coming. Everything that had come out of her mouth had been a lie. But she couldn't tell them the truth. She couldn't tell anyone the truth about what had happened between her and James. Hell, James didn't even know what had happened between them. All he knew was that she had been with him one day, loving him and enjoying the beginning of summer at his house, and the next morning when he had woken up she had been gone.

"Sorry," Lily whispered, afraid that the quiver in her voice was noticeable. "I'm sorry."

At this point, she didn't even know who she was apologizing to.

"I need to go make rounds."

Marlene nodded. Alice squeezed her hand. Lily stood and opened the compartment door, only to find James standing there, hand raised as if he was about to knock.

Lily's face flushed and she looked down, letting her hair fall in front of her face. How long had he been standing there? If he had heard her, he would know that she lied.

James cleared his throat. "I was just coming to tell you that we should probably make rounds now. We only have about twenty minutes before we arrive at the castle."

"I know, Potter. You don't have to tell me how to do my job."

Lily pushed past him, once again ignoring the sharp electric jolt she felt when they touched. As she moved down the aisle towards the other compartments, she paused.

"Like I said before, stay out of my way Potter." With that, she continued on her way, a sharp pain in her chest with each step she took away from him.

_**A/N: Ouch. Harsh much, eh? Alas, that's the way it has to be... for now... **_

_**Let me know what you think you lovelies! xo**_

_**Reviews are what get me through the stress of college and life in New York City. **_


	5. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Well here it is, a new chapter!**_** _I'll keep it short and sweet, so read on!_**

**Chapter 4**

**Fifth Year**

It had been two weeks since Lily's first date with James, and she was still smiling giddily just thinking about it. James had planned the absolute perfect date, and Lily couldn't believe how much she had enjoyed his company. James really was a completely different person than before. He was sweet, kind, and charming. Definitely charming.

She sighed, thinking of how he had taken her to Honeydukes, bought her a box of flavor-changing licorice, and then walked through town with her. She smiled, remembering how they had walked side by side, their hands swinging between them. After a few times of their hands brushing—which had sent tingles up Lily's arm—James had laced his fingers with hers, looking over at her as if to ask if it was okay that he was holding her hand. She had squeezed his hand lightly, smiling up at him, and his face lit up once again, his hazel eyes twinkling with happiness.

After walking around the village for a while, Lily started to get chilly, so they headed into the Three Broomsticks for some Butterbeer. James had led her to a table in the back, by the fireplace, and they had talked. He told her about his family and what it was like to grow up in a wizarding household, about Sirius, Remus, and Peter and their friendship. She told his what it was like to grow up not knowing about being a witch, about her family, and just general facts about herself.

Lily had found it really easy to be with him, to talk to him and laugh with him. She anticipated the brush of his knee against hers and the tingle it sent up her leg, the locking of eyes and the electricity in the air as they just looked at each other.

He held her hand on the way back to the castle, and she was a little disappointed when he merely kissed the top of her hand when he said goodnight at the bottom of the staircase. She had wanted a real kiss from him. She had looked forward to it from the time they had left the Three Broomsticks.

Now she was going out with him again tonight, and she couldn't help but hope that he would kiss her goodnight for real this time.

She checked her hair in the mirror hanging by Alice's bed one more time before she headed for the door to the Common Room. Because she wasn't sure where James was taking her, she had dressed casually in a pair of old, fitted jeans that rode low on her hips, a black cashmere sweater that made her skin look creamy and her eyes pop, and a pair of black ankle boots.

James was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, and when she caught his gaze running down her body and the appreciative look in his eye, she was proud of her outfit. She had been worried that it was too plain.

"Lily, you look amazing." James grinned, holding out his hand to her.

She grabbed it and linked her fingers with is as she took in his appearance. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans, a long-sleeved black shirt with a white button up T-shirt over it with the buttons left open. His black hair was messier than usual, as if he'd been running his hands through it. He looked so handsome Lily couldn't believe that he had chosen her. He could have any girl in the school.

"You look pretty great yourself, James." Lily said, smiling at him. He squeezed her hand.

"Are you ready?"

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, I trust you." She answered without hesitation.

"Good. Let's go."

Minutes later, they were standing in the center of the Quidditch pitch. Lily looked around curiously. Why were they out here?

James grabbed his broom from where it had been laying and walked towards her. She eyed him warily when he climbed on and held the broom steady in front of her.

"You want me to fly your broom?" she questioned.

James laughed. "I want you to join me on my broom."

Shrugging, Lily threw her leg over the broom and settled behind James. Her arms wrapped around his torso, her hands resting on his stomach. She could feel the rigid muscles of his abdomen and it took everything in her to keep her hands from exploring a little more. The electricity was in the air around them again, this time more intense because they were touching rather intimately. At least, it felt intimate to Lily.

"You ready?"

"As I'll ever be." She laughed. She actually loved flying, but she didn't have a broom so she didn't get to go much. Only the first years got to take the flying lessons. She was excited to be in the air again.

James kicked off and the broom rose quickly. Lily grinned at the feel of the wind in her hair and on her face.

They flew around for a while in silence, both of them reveling in the peacefulness of the night air. When they landed, James put his broom back into the Quidditch supply closet and they walked back to the castle hand in hand.

James walked Lily to the foot of the stairs leading up to the girls' dormitory—as far as he could go—and pressed a kiss to her hand.

"Goodnight Lily Evans. Thanks for going with me tonight."

"Goodnight James. I had fun." Lily said, smiling up at him.

He turned away from her and headed towards the boys' staircase. Lily glanced around the Common Room. Empty.

"James?" she called, still standing at the foot of the stairs. "I think you forgot something."

He turned to look at her, a question in his eyes. Lily made the decision to take a chance, to put herself out there. She crooked her finger at him, the corner of her mouth pulling up into a small smile.

He loped back over to her. "Yeah?"

She took a deep breath, trying to calm the blush she already felt on her cheeks.

"Don't I get a kiss goodnight?"

The electricity between them tripled its intensity and James stared into her eyes.

"Lily, we don't have to-" James started. Lily cut him off.

"I _want _to."

She heard his breath hitch in his throat. Was he just as nervous as she was? He had to have had some experience though…just look at him. He had to have kissed someone before. But Lily? Nope, this was her first kiss.

She took a step closer to him and tilted her head up. James's mouth pulled up in the corner and his hazel eyes darkened. He lowered his head, and when their lips met, Lily swore her heart stopped due to the jolt of electricity that shot through her body.

Before she knew what she was doing, her hands were fisted in his hair—Merlin, it was so soft!—and her body was only half an inch from his. James's hands rested on her hips, his fingers tickling the exposed strip of skin between her sweater and jeans.

Only when it was necessary for them to part in order to breathe did James take a step back from Lily. Both of their faces were flushed and they were breathing heavily.

"Wow." Lily whispered, touching her lips with her fingertips.

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Wow."

She smiled up at him, "See you tomorrow, James."

"Goodnight Lily."

She turned a climbed up the stairs to her room in a daze, her fingertips still resting on her lips. When she reached the top, she glanced over at the boys' staircase, only to find that James was standing there watching her.

She waved at him, then turned and stepped into her room, closing the door softly behind her so she didn't wake any of the other girls.

As Lily climbed into bed, thoughts of James filled her mind. She fell asleep with her fingers resting lightly on her still swollen lips, a smile on her face.

**_A/N: Ah, first kisses... and James/Lily fluff. Two of my favorite things to write. _**

**_Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you like/dislike, want to see more/less of, or just general constructive criticism. _**

**_Reviews are what make life worth living. _**

**_Until next time lovelies xoxox_**


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